This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

A man walks into a bar and knocks himself out .... it was an iron bar

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Two friends Rob and Paul were two of the biggest football fans in England.

Their entire adult lives, Rob and Paul discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.

One summer night, Rob passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paul awoke to the sound of Rob's voice from beyond.

"Rob, is that you?" Paul asked.

"Of course it me," Rob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Paul exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paul."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're playing tomorrow night!"





The Fire Brigade calls Manchester City manager Kevin Keegan in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr. Keegan, terrible news, the City of Manchester Stadium is on fire!"

"Oh my God, the cups! Save the cups!" cries Kevin.

"Don't worry, Mr. Keegan," replies the fireman, "the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet."

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" .... She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

13. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

14. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

17. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a True friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

18. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

19. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

20. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

21. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

22. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

23. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

24. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

25. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

26. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those darn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze otomobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pull thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your cara and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, ich vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guysa in a Fiat Uno."

WHOSE JOB IS IT

This is a story about four people named EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY and NOBODY.

There was an important job to be done and EVERYBODY was asked to do it. EVERYBODY was sure SOMEBODY would do it.

ANYBODY could have done it, but NOBODY did it. SOMEBODY got angry about it because it was EVERYBODY'S job.

EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it but NOBODY realized that EVERYBODY wouldn't do it.

It ended up that EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY when NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have done.